got the Chinese symbol for 'neck' tattooed on my neck
— hope cantwell (@hopiecan) 4 Agosto 2015
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 7, 2015
you know if you run out of tissues you can cry directly into the toilet
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 30, 2015
Beds are envelopes that mail you to your nightmares
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) August 19, 2015
Hey boy, are you my password? Because you are insecure and weak as hell and ultimately will betray me.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) 16 Luglio 2015
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You also miss 92% of the shots you take. You're off the team, is what I'm trying to say.
— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) October 25, 2014
“No GMO foods for MY family,” she said as she walked her pet wolf who’d been bred to have four inch long legs and respiratory problems.
— Ray Ramos (@dragnut) August 10, 2015
Add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) 17 Ottobre 2012
When I think the name "Benedict Cumberbatch" it's always to the tune of "Another One Bites The Dust." And now so do you.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 19, 2014
My favourite part of getting older is how now when I hide junk food from myself I actually forget about it.
— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) 7 Agosto 2015
GF: "you're so childish" me: "it's my day too linda" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: "so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) 31 Luglio 2015
[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) 18 Febbraio 2015